5 psychologist-approved tips to help you talk mental health with your kids (Part 1)
Dr. Heidi Kiefer, School and Clinical Child Psychologist, has heard these questions and more for years. So I asked her to provide us with some tips to help parents who may be struggling to get the conversation started.
Right away, her words of wisdom are relieving.
“I believe the first step for parents is to realize that mental health does not have to be a big, heavy talk that is broached in an extraordinary way,” she says. In fact, “that kind of mindset can be very anxiety-provoking. Instead, I think parents should consider mental health as the overarching theme to all of the regular conversations we have with our children about their feelings and experiences.”
These natural conversations, according to Dr. Kiefer, will happen more easily if you do 2 things:
1. Be there for your child
“Let your children know that they can talk to you about anything,” she explains. “Often, the most important conversations are initiated by children and youth themselves, so it’s essential to pay attention when these conversations arise. This may not necessarily be on your timeline, but it’s important to stay flexible in situations like this.
For example, your child may be experiencing intense thoughts and emotions prior to bedtime, but you’re all tuckered out from your workday. In this situation, it’s important to remember that children and teens live in the moment; when they are bringing things up, that’s when issues are the most salient for them. Be flexible, if you can, to talk to them.
If not, don’t simply dismiss the conversation. Acknowledge that this talk is important for both of you, and arrange an alternative time where you can sit down together with better focus and attunement. If there is another caregiver your child can talk with, who they feel comfortable with, provide that option as well. If you see a pattern (for example, your child always initiates these kinds of conversations before bedtime), work together to find a compromise — it can be as simple as starting bedtime earlier.
If you encourage your children to tell you everything, then you must also be open and empathetic when hearing everything. If your child comes to you with something they could get into trouble for, reacting with anger and disappointment is a quick way to ensure they will not share with you again. Parents who accept and support their kids, even when they’ve made mistakes, foster their self-acceptance and resilience.”
2. Describe what you’re noticing
“Parents often get caught up in asking children questions, particularly if they notice something concerning,” D. Kiefer tells me. “It’s then frustrating if your child does not give you much of an answer. Rather than asking questions, tell them what your concern is about: your observations.
For example, you might say: ‘The last few days, I’ve noticed you seem kind of low energy and quieter than usual — like you may be feeling sad or down.’ Or: ‘When you got home from school, your body looked tense and you quickly got angry at your sister. It made me think you might have had a bad day.’ These notes can open the door to sharing. Even if they still shut a conversation down at that moment, your child can take away that someone is noticing and caring about how they’re doing. Later on, your comments may help them segue into talking about something when they feel more comfortable.”
Stay tuned for part 2 of this series, where Dr. Kiefer shares 3 additional tips for open dialogue about mental health.
About Dr. Heidi Kiefer Ph.D., C. Psych.
Dr. Heidi Kiefer, Ph.D., C. Psych., is a clinical child and adolescent psychologist. At Holland Bloorview Kids Rehabilitation Hospital of Toronto, she primarily works within the Child Development Program. Her focus is developmental assessments with children under 5 years of age to explore queries related to Autism Spectrum Disorder, Intellectual Disabilities, and other delays. Dr. Kiefer also works in private practice within Toronto and Oshawa, where she engages in individual and family therapy, parent counselling, and consultation services. She is an advocate for reducing the stigma related to mental health and advancing public funding for universal access to mental health services. Knowing how brave children and families are in seeking support, Dr. Kiefer is mindful of using creative and empathic practices to build rapport, understand experiences, and help them feel that they are not alone. To stay up to date with Dr. Kiefer or to connect with her, please follow her on Twitter.
